I’m Awesome, I Just Forgot.

One thing I’ve been struggling with since I can remember is realizing and enforcing with myself and others that I’m awesome and that what I do has value. I’m a graphic designer, and have been freelancing for nearly two years now. In that time I have devalued myself and been taken advantage of numerous times. Nobody’s to blame. I mean, I let it happen to me. It’s been a constant struggle, and the people-pleaser in me wants to just make everyone else happy, usually at my own expense; in work and personal relationships. It sounds good and noble in theory, but typically ends up with me being miserable, doing a shitty job and feeling like an idiot.

It was finally time to start growing some balls. Or at least rediscovering them. I knew they were there somewhere, but along the rocky and emotionally difficult road that was my past, they bounced off my body and had gotten lost. So last year I started taking small steps to find my balls and rebuild my self-worth and confidence in my skills. It involved taking a long hard look at myself, my inner dialogue, and my not-so-great habits. Over the course of my life, my lack of self-confidence lead to worrying about what people thought of me, which turned into people-pleasing; which allowed me to be taken advantage of more; which led to me feeling shitty and beating up on myself; which turned me in the direction of alcohol and junk food; which warped my body and lowered my self confidence, and the cycle would start all over again. Looking at it this way, it’s totally The Slight Edge working against me. If you haven’t read that book, I would recommend it; but only if you’re really ready to make a change.

By the time I decided that I’d had enough, I was 145 pounds (at 5’2”…yeah), extremely depressed, anxious with my guts in constant turmoil, and sick all the time. It was awful. I felt like a piece of shit and let others treat me as such.

I won’t go into detail about everything that has led me to the point I’m at now, but will tell you that changing old-ass habits ain’t easy! In fact, it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. Particularly saying goodbye to old vices, consumable and emotional. You have to be ever-present in the moment, take an objective look at how you react to things, and ask yourself if the subject of your emotional response warrants that kind of reaction; every hour of every day. I’m still not close to perfect at this, but am working at it. And it’s making a difference!

In my last post I talked about how I’ve been changing habits regarding my physical health, but didn’t get into the mental changes that have taken place. I’m ecstatic to say that I am at a very comfortable place emotionally, in a way I’ve never felt before. It’s amazing! I know who I am, know that I’m awesome and have a hot bod, that I’m caring and emotional, but also that I am courageous and brave. I work my ass off and am incredibly ambitious, I’m adventurous and up for anything, and am always open to learn new things and meet new people. I’m totally tooting my own horn here, but I don’t care! I’m awesome and I let myself forget it for so long. I’m revelling in this feeling and won’t let it quit. And you know what, people around me are starting to notice. I’ve been working to invest more in my friends, getting out of my own head and more into theirs; learning things about them that I never would have thought to ask about before with all my hangups fogging my brain. I’m trying my darndest to keep in touch with everyone better and spend more quality time with them. I’m trying my darndest to show them that they are much more important to me than my work. I’m trying my darndest to switch that around.

I have also reinforced for myself that my work has value, and have started letting clients know that I won’t be giving out discounts or deals anymore. The only reason I started doing that was because I didn’t fully believe in myself and just wanted to please my customers. I quickly learned that if you give some people and inch, they’ll stretch that inch around the globe. Enough of that! I do quality work, have extremely high standards, and above all, genuinely want to help people build their businesses properly. Wouldn’t you want to pay for that than someone who could care less either way? Besides, I don’t have a whole lot of free time and if I’m going to spend that time working rather than seeing my boyfriend or friends or family, I want to make sure it’s going to be worth my while. This is a huge step for me, because it means that I am giving less and less of a shit about what people think of me, and putting more emphasis on what I think. What a concept! It feels amazing and empowering, and is only going to get to be more so.

Know what else? This past weekend I made peace with my stepmother. I’d been doing a lot of inner work and there was still this black little marble in my heart that contained my relationship with her. It rattled around in there constantly, stirring up resentment and feelings of hurt that would shoot through all of my nerves and make me anxious and sick. This nasty little ball had been growing for years, and I was constantly feeding it with hurtful memories and exacerbating it with hate. It was completely toxic. When I made my list of goals for the year in January, forgiving my stepmother was at the top. I needed to extract this dark little tumor and stomp it out. It took a good few months of empathizing and analyzing why I reacted in such a manic way whenever her name came up or I knew she would be in my vicinity. I realized that a lot of my reaction was due to habit. Habit that had been reinforced for years and had no grounds anymore, but was hanging on for dear life. Last week, I finally decided to stomp on it’s little fingers and let it fall off the cliff and out of my heart. I cannot verbalize to you how absolutely amazing and freeing it felt. Before I’d even spoken to her, just making the decision to let go and not let these feelings control me brought the greatest of relief. I was free. Literally. And I loved it. We finally talked and had a hug and a cry, and though we may never be best friends, we made a step. And that’s how everything starts.

Peace and love to you all,

V

The Day You Stop Learning, You Die

This thought is clinging to my brain after an amazing night of conversation, and is the whole reason I started writing in the first place.

I have been learning and growing immensely; this year especially. If you have time and are open to it, I’d like to share some of my breakdowns and bounds with you. So many things have changed for me in such a short period of time, and the root of it all is taking responsibility: for the effect I have on people, for the way I feel and look, for my reactions, and for my financial situation.

1. Changing My Perspective

We live in such a high-stress, instant-gratification centred, superficial society that it is hard not to get absorbed in it from time to time. We dwell in our past and fret about our futures, all the while neglecting the time we are living in right now. We gloss over and are oblivious to the amazing things and people in our immediate vicinity. I have been especially guilty of this, and it is something that I am regretful of and am working every day to fix.

A self-proclaimed workaholic, I put immense value on being busy and having a schedule full of meetings and projects; to the point where I would let these things come before the people who are most important to me. I have recognized in myself a habit of pushing people away, for reasons I’ve yet to verbalize, and am trying to rectify this by being more present with the people around me and making more time for social gatherings and keeping in touch. I’m far from perfect at it, but I’m trying! The last thing in the world I want is to lose touch with the amazing people in my life. I love you all, and can’t imagine life without you.

I have also been making a point of being kinder to myself. If you could hear the awful things I say to myself sometimes, you would want to slap me, or just go ahead and do it. And we all do this to ourselves. We chastise ourselves because we were awkward in that situation, said something dumb or ate something terrible. It’s incredibly counterproductive to think this way, and studies have shown that it adversely affects our health. We make ourselves feel like shit for slipping up, and rather than recognizing our failure, forgiving ourselves and moving on, we give up on our goals and slip into a downward spiral. It’s why so many diets, businesses and relationships fail. We give up at the first sign of difficulty. Life is full of challenges and pain, but also full of amazing beauty and colour and love and joy! It’s how we react to the challenges and appreciate the awesomeness that shape us. Besides, how would we learn if we never fuck up?

2. Letting Go of Vices and Making a Plan

I was feeling kind of terrible for a span of time; mentally and physically. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but it was my own fault! And the core of my shit universe was the fact that I was relying on vices and self-pity to deal with some deep-seated issues, rather than manning up and facing them.

I was using alcohol and sugar to “make myself feel better” and hide from things for a long time, and that reeked havoc on my body, my mind, and ultimately, my connections with people. I finally woke up and decided enough was enough, and started making small changes in the way of the positive. I stopped making excuses and started making plans. I finished projects I was putting off for way too long, started eating healthier meals, started doing small bits of exercise in the morning before heading to work, and put myself of a strict budget. I did these one at a time, of course, starting a new habit each week or so and working my way up to handling them all at once. To paraphrase The Slight Edge, it’s the little things you do on a daily basis that manifest to create your reality, good or bad. And it’s all the things that are easy to do, but also easy not to do. They are easy not to do because they will not change your life overnight. But keep doing them consistently over time, and things start to change!

April 9 marked one month that I’ve been without alcohol and, I’m ashamed to say, the longest period I’ve gone without drinking since…well…since I started drinking! It’s pretty insane to think that I’ve been consuming this product, at times in excess, for the majority of my adult life. Wondering about the health affects it’s had on me and the money I’ve thrown away to have more of it makes my head hurt. But, it’s also been my main motivation for staying sober! Having my amazing friend Nathan to share this experience with has been monumental in my success. The dude’s an inspiration. I’ve decided that I won’t drink a drop until my entire credit card is paid off. At that point I’m rewarding myself with a motorcycle. And it’s gonna be so sweet.

3. Being Aware of My Actions and Reactions

Being sober has left a lot of room to be present with and accept my reactions to things; and just be more aware in general! I’m not foggy-brained or groggy and am able to see things for what they really are. And see how I’m acting. The things and people that would get me all worked up just don’t do it for me anymore. I’ve been able to let a lot of things go and am all the happier for it. I think my biggest accomplishment on this front is not letting the actions or words of others get to me nearly as much. It’s incredibly freeing! It was funny…the other day my iPhone crashed and I got mad and threw it on my bed. I sat with this reaction for a moment and thought, “Now that’s silly. This amazing piece of technology lets me call whoever I want, check my emails, surf the web, video chat with my family, and read anything I could possibly want to. I’d get overwhelmed and need to crash every once in a while too!” Remembering the truly amazing technological feats that have brought this phone into my hand was really humbling and made my reaction seem rather silly.

Being able to be present and sit with emotions is imperative to sound mental health. Just pausing…and thinking about why you’re feeling a particular way puts things in perspective.

4. Taking Action!

At the beginning of the year I sat down and wrote out a bunch of things I want to accomplish this year. I guess you could call them resolutions. I’d never really made resolutions before. It felt awesome and productive! What’s felt even more awesome and productive, though, is seeing how the little steps I started taking in January are starting to pick up momentum and really work in my favour! I’m slowly checking things off the list, and it feels amazing.

Thanks for being here with me through this. I hope to make as positive an impact on your life as you have on mine through being here and through reading my thoughts. I love you and wish you everything that makes you happy.

Everything’s Great and Nobody’s Happy

Every day I am reminded of how good I have it. Either I run into someone who proves it to me, or I do it to myself. As middle-class Canadians, we have it easy. We live in the most beautiful country, have clean running water, and have access to most anything we could possibly need. And yet, every day, we take it all for granted.

We have so much. We have so much food that we can choose what to take out of our diet. A friend of mine served in a restaurant in Honduras, and she told me that nothing was thrown out there. Everyone took food home, no matter how minuscule the portion, because they are starving and don’t have tons of disposable income. Yet here it’s nothing out of the ordinary to throw out an entire plate of food because someone found a hair in it or it wasn’t cooked exactly to their liking.

We have access to more information now than was ever fathomable even 50 years ago. Most anything we could possibly want to know is available at the click of a button. We are now able to go to a website, download pieces of digital genetic information, mash them together, and make a living organism that functions however we see fit (reference: Playing God documentary); and do it while you sit and drink your Starbucks! It’s mind-boggling!!

We have also made incredible advances in travel technology in the last 100 years. It is kind of incredible that we are able to put people into metal tubes and shoot them into the air, landing them on the other side of the world in a day. We can get anywhere in the world we’d like to go relatively easily.

There have been astronomical advances in communication technology even in the last ten years! Look at the “phones” we carry around with us now! We went from simplistic number boxes like this:

to miniature computers with GPS in about ten years. God, we’re a smart bunch! We can communicate with people on the other side of the world with real-time video messaging, for free, any time of the day. That’s the stuff of not-so-dated science fiction, and we complain because Skype sometimes crashes!

I stumbled upon this video randomly today, and it is such an inspiration. It also carries the message that I try to keep upfront in my mind throughout the day: If you want to be happy, do the things you love, and give love to those around you. From a very early age we are taught that we need to attend post-secondary school and “get a good job” that makes us tons of cash. That may get you to a place of financial stability, but will you really be happy? Soul-nourishing activities seem to have little merit in our society compared to the overwhelming need to work constantly and buy shiny things. I strongly believe that this needs to change.

Because not everyone is cut out to be a lawyer or a doctor. There are people who excel in these fields, and we need them and should celebrate them. But let’s try not to stuff everyone into the same accountant-shaped mould. We should embrace our creatives and tradespeople and everyone else just as whole-heartedly, foster their talents, and encourage them to pursue their dreams just as fervently. Then they will be happy. We will all be happy.

We have so much to be thankful for, and I meditate on this each morning. Some things I am thankful for include:

- having my health and my senses about me to be able to drink in the colours and smells and sounds around me

- having an amazing support system that picks me up when I’m down, encourages me when I’m up and stuffs me full of love every day

- living in a beautiful city where I am just a 20 minute bike ride from the ocean or a half hour drive to the mountains

- being able to make a living doing the things that I love: helping people and being creative

- the people I encounter each day who share their stories with me and let me be a part of their existence

We are so very lucky to have all of our senses, to be mobile, coherent, and able to chase our dreams. Let’s embrace it and be grateful for the opportunities every new day brings. Stressing over petty shit isn’t going to get you anywhere except in a downward spiral. If you’re unhappy, change it. If you hate your job, quit. If you want to be healthier, start making small adjustments. Every little bit helps. If you want to say something, say it! And don’t apologize; you are entitled to your opinions and feelings as much as the next guy is. Revel in the beautiful little moments, appreciate them, and smile. Life is an amazing journey.

Art Attack!

I am very fortunate to have been able to start some art classes recently. I am doing a 10-week digital photography workshop, a 6-week drawing course, and start a web development course in April.

Tonight was the first class of the Fundamentals of Drawing course at Emily Carr University. When I walked into the room tonight, my greeting to the room was met with timid smiles and fidgeting. It is always like this when a new class starts. People don’t know what to make of each other and feel self-conscious. We’re such funny creatures. There was a very long silence as everyone played on their phones and avoided eye contact while waiting for the instructor to arrive.

We had a substitute instructor who was very interesting. He got us to do a few hours of blind contours to warm us up and get us into a right-brained headspace. His teaching approach really changed the way I look at drawing. Doing blind contours, you never get to look at your paper. You just look at your subject, pick a starting point, and follow the lines of it with your eye and pencil at the same time. As we were drawing our instructor told us to imagine what it would feel like if our drawing materials were actually being run along the surface of our subject. Would it be rough? Smooth? Thinking about this affected the kinds of lines that we created.

After doing tons of blind contours, we were ready for a more intensive study of our subject that lasted for 20 minutes. This time we could look at our paper as much as we needed to; but we were encouraged to look at the paper as little as possible and to trust our eyes to do the rendering for us most of the time.

I am very happy with this class and can already see an improvement in my drawing. I am really looking forward to the next class and what it has to offer!

My Date With Krishna

I can’t believe it’s already been a week…

Last weekend my good friend Nathan brought me and our friend Travis to his Hare Krishna temple out in Burnaby. I had no idea what to expect.

First off, a bit of recycled Wikipedia history on Krishna Consciousness:

The International Society for Krishna Consciousness (ISKON), or Hare Krishna movement is a Gaudiya Vaishnava religious organization. “Gaudiya” refers to the Gauda region (Bengal/Bangladesh), and “Vaishnavism” means “the worship of Vishnu”. ISKON was founded in 1966 in New York by A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. Its core beliefs are based on traditional Hindu scriptures which date back more than 5,000 years. ISKON was formed to spread the practice of bhakti yoga, in which devotees (bhaktas) dedicate their thoughts and actions toward pleasing the Supreme Lord, Krishna.

I didn’t completely understand what I was walking into, but decided to go and listen and be present with an open mind.

Walking into the lavishly decorated temple, you stand directly across from a wall-length altar on which deities are dressed in brightly coloured and intricate clothing, beads and jewels. Nate tells me their outfits are a different colour each time he goes. I imagine the amount of work that is put into this altar on a daily basis.

The temple is divided in half by a long, thin and ornate carpet. Traditionally, men sit on one side and women on the other. There are no pews in a Krishna temple. Devotees sit on the floor on cushions that are on a lower level than the priest.

This is what the temple looked like inside, minus the chairs and tables. I wasn’t sure if I would be allowed to take photos inside, so I pulled some off of their website.

The night started with a class during which we listened to scriptures and stories about Lord Krishna and how he instilled values in his descendants. Most religious stories I have heard have the same premise: a person becomes overly prideful or greedy or does wrong, and the deity teaches him the error in these ways with some kind of profound (and sometimes scary) lesson. It had been a while since I’ve listened to scripture, and to be honest, I had a hard time keeping all the fifteen-letter names straight; but it was very interesting, nonetheless.

After the scriptures, everyone turned to the right and stood to face the altar. It was time for kirtan, a call-and-response kind of chant that is accompanied by music. The kirtan starts off slowly, hypnotically. The kirtankar started us on the chants, and other devotees started the accompanying music, playing a tiny harmonium and various types of drums. As time went on, the chanting got louder, the music faster, and the bodies around me started dancing more vigorously. The energy in the room started to vibrate more intensely, and soon a trumpet was blaring along to the music and grown men were jumping in the air and shouting with ear-to-ear grins. Being in the presence of such devotion brought a tear to my eye. I had never seen people so happy to be alive and able to praise god. It melted my heart and made me forget about all the petty shit I was stressing about when I entered the temple earlier that evening. This was unlike any church experience I had ever had.

After an intense 45 minute-long kirtan, the priest announced that it was time to give out the awards for their annual “Transcendental Cooking Contest.” It was adorable. I had honestly forgotten the sense of community that religion instills in people.

While we were busy chanting and dancing, a group of lovely women were in the kitchen in the back of the temple creating an amazing meal for everyone. I could smell the spicy sweetness the entire time we were there. We all sat in lines facing one another and the ladies came around with large silver buckets and ladles to spoon out portions of rice, dahl, curries and vegetables. It was all amazing, and Nate’s words earlier that night came back to me as I was eating and taking in the atmosphere we had all just created. The food is blessed. It has been prayed over the entire evening. I’m paraphrasing him, but I could feel it.

We all left the temple feeling full, satisfied, and lighter of heart. I don’t know about my boys, but I left with a new appreciation of all the things and people I have around me. I am truly blessed and lucky to be in good health, have my senses about me to be able to take in this crazy world, be able to provide for myself, and be able to give and receive such love. I really have nothing to complain about.

NEW YORK!

A new year has begun, and with it comes the desire to purge things (objects, emotions and hangups) from my past and start over with a clear slate. A whole lot of crazy happened last year, and I have grown exponentially and learned so much. I find myself at the top of a very new, very inspiring, and very motivated point in my life.

I know what I want to do (travel tons more and find a graphic design job where I can learn my face off), where I want to be (New York!), and who I want to be around (you all know who you are, cause I tell you). Most importantly, I know exactly who I am.

I have dubbed 2012 as “The Year of No Excuses”, and keep a quote from Marilyn Monroe in my head constantly. She once said that “fear is stupid. So are regrets.” And I can’t agree with her more. Too many times I have let my fear (of rejection, of crippling myself financially, of the unknown, of getting hurt physically or emotionally) get in the way of doing things that I really wanted to do. No more of that! I mean, of course I will be safe and use my head and trust my gut; but seriously, anything can happen at any time. My parents are always quick to caution when I tell them about the next trip I’m going on. Mom especially plays the “what if” game (understandably so…she cares about her babies!), but all of these scary what-ifs can happen anywhere in the world, so you may as well do your travelling and do the things you want to do while you’re still able to do them.

There will always be a million excuses you can use to not do something for yourself. There is always a chance that you will book a trip and then lose your job (look at me!). But you can’t let the fear that these things might happen overpower your will to give yourself a new experience. You only get this one chance! 

There is always something new to learn about, something to draw inspiration from, and someone to talk to. Every single person you encounter can teach you something, if you’re not quick to judge them. 

Here is where I will share with you my experience learning from everything and everyone around me, and taking more chances than I ever normally would. Enjoy, my friends!